I seemed to have misplaced my femininity.

I am currently in quite the precarious situation where the relationship I am in could either end or re-begin. Pre·car·i·ous - (adj.) /priˈke(ə)rēəs/ - Not securely held or in position; dangerously likely to fall or collapse. Ouch. I have no idea which way it will go. What I do know is that in the last week of space I've had I've realized I truly, madly and deeply miss my femininity. I hadn't even noticed that it was gone. I am a girly girly so I still blush when I see the color pink, wear my peachy pouty lip gloss and get distracted by anything that has glitter on it. But my true femininity is the energy that sits deep inside of me and makes me feel like a little sexy tinker bell fluttering around Hollywood sprinkling my fairy dust. My femininity is the energy that makes all my lovely lady parts feel alive and awake. Zip, zap, ZOW! (If Austin Powers were here he'd define it as my mojo).

Now I could easily blame a Mr. Someone for not supporting and encouraging my missing femininity to exist in our space. But honey....I dare not play the blame game. Blaming people can be a fun activity because you get to be creative and find a way to not be responsible for the reality you create. But in truth, the Blame Game is one of the BIGGEST wastes of times EVER. If you are an adult and you have agreed to be in a relationship, however that relationship exists is a reflection of how you feel about yourself and what you will allow into your life. Besides how in the hell would he know my needs if I am not aware of them or haven't expressed them to him? When you yearn for something outside of yourself, find a way to fulfill that desire from within yourself. Other people aren't responsible for fulfilling you, they can certainly add to your life and if you're going to have close relationships by golly George I hope they are adding to your life. Otherwise what would be the point? My point is I am on the hunt for my missing femininity, I'm going to find it and reinstall it pronto. Me, Rashaan Cruzé.

So it's the feeling of my "femininity" that I have allowed myself to let go of as my relationship has progressed. I didn't feel like my true womanly nature would fit into our lives so I compromised. But I was compromising without first communicating my needs. The only problem with compromising too much is that you may just completely lose yourself and then what good are you in a relationship? Don Miguel Ruiz, another one of my absolute favorite gurus, is the author of "The Mastery of Love". I double dog dare you to read that book. Oh.....ma.....God.....that book had me taking responsibility for all kinds of crazy things! My relationships, actions and words. Yeah, he's hardcore. Ruiz says that if you don't bring your authentic true self to a relationship then you cannot possibly attract what you truly desire. You won't attract the right people or situations into your life if you aren't expressing who you really are. Even the dang bible says it "Ask and ye shall receive". I love you baby Jesus!

You may be wondering, "if her relationship is about to end or re-begin why is she blogging about her femininity?" Ha ha ha, I will, but I'd like to see how it plays out first. I am giving it air and space to unfold as it should without me pushing it one way or another. I've been in many situations where I feel my world has flipped me upside down, put me in the washing machine high-speed spin-cycle and hung me by my pinkie toes on a clothes line, in hurricane weather. Wow. And then all of a sudden I end up in a new experience (one I would have never pursued) that ends up allowing me to discover something new about myself that fulfills me. I am telling you straight up, when you ask for change or something better for yourself, your life will have to be deconstructed a bit in order to be reconstructed so that the new experience you wanted, can be born. And yes... it SUCKS!!!!! My little heart is aching right now. But I trust life, I sincerely do.

Let me leave you with a coconut chocolate covered truffle my sweet loves....

"Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art. - Don Miguel Ruiz.

Sugary sweet huh?

xo

Rashaan Cruzé

"You wander from room to room, hunting for the diamond necklace, that is already around your neck." -Rumi

photo source: Marie Claire US, March 2011 girlwhimsy.

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