Oh voi it's been a very long time since I've seen you. You'll never believe what happened. My lover left me. No, I'm serious though, my boyfriend broke up with me. I had to wait until now to write about it because I dare not have this blog be about how effen angry I was and how I wanted to destroy the entire planet. I was waiting until I had gone through enough healing so that I could instead write about turning into a bad-ass mama jama butterfly. But YOW-ZA...mama's heart got smacked down and was on the floor, straight up.
Okay, first off I was crying like a damn baby on the floor, boo-hooing. But I've been heart broken before so I knew the drill: completely surrender and allow this. In between searching for a job like a crazy woman and going to interviews in my fancy grown-up suits, I was making repeated trips to my bed to cry and then sleep, and then run to Gelson's for my favorite ice cream. Yup. I had to baby myself and allow my emotions to flow through me. Sugar muffins....know this: when you don't honor what you are really feeling that shit gets stuck in there and I PROMISE you, it will end up coming out on the wrong person or at the wrong time, or both.
So it was a lot of
chocolate peanut better ice cream (I promise to blog about that soon, pure ecstasy in your mouth), a lot of TV, and TBS movies. Ha ha ha. I was on a tight budget but you know I had to keep the cable! You can't lose your boyfriend and your favorite TV shows in the same week. That would be down right traumatic. I always tell my friends not to resist what they are truly feeling, that feeling is there because of either a belief you have about yourself (i.e. nobody loves me) or that feeling is trying to say "hey, pay attention to me! I am not okay with this and won't allow this treatment again!". (Yeah, the soul can get a little testy). So LISTEN to yourself so you can attend to your true feelings. You are beautiful and you deserve it.
The gifts that came out of this break-up:
- My new found creative / passionate energy (I'm on fire in a wonderful way which I am going to use on my art).
- Lost 5 pounds (fret not, this lady's still got her curves).
- Had a party to celebrate this new chapter in my life.
- The new dress I wore to that party. (Strapless, hot pink and orange. You know how I roll. Sha-zam!).
- The pep in my step. It's got a bit of a hip-hop twist to it.
- My new found love for perfume (it was necessary I do a little shopping therapy and discovered Viva La Juicy...oh....ma....mother of god....I promise to blog about it soon).
- And most importantly knowing that I am still on my path, I am no longer with him, but I am still on my path of evolving and learning...and this is where the opportunity is my loves, you cannot skip this part.
So I had a party in the middle of my storm?! Ummm....HELZ YES I had a party! Once my sadness mostly left, I knew I'd been reborn a little and whenever my soul goes through a rebirth, a fabulous celebration is a must. Rebirth sucks and once you catch your breath you need to reward yourself for being so brave and getting through the mud. This new chapter of my life was sudden, unexpected, and painful. But it was beautiful because it was life.
I still continue to evolve from a caterpillar in its cocoon into this dazzling, centered, sexy, colorful, butterfly in stilettos (similar to the one above in the picture). Oh voi! I am getting excited knowing that I am about to fly. I named my party "Viva La Chica" (that's the invite above). I used the image of
La Sirena, a naked mermaid dancing in the water. She's feeling fantastic, sexy, and powerful and I wanted to feel that way. To me "Viva La Chica" meant "long live the girl". No one can hold me down or get me down forever. I will always evolve past the negativity. So will you. I had orange and hot pink balloons at the party and people kept saying "Happy Birthday!" I was like "It's not my birthday." Then they'd say, "Then why are you celebrating?" And I'd say, "Because I'm in a new chapter of my life." Then they'd pause, look at me, and just hug me. It was so great...I hope I inspired people to celebrate just because. Being human can be hard so you must taken responsibility for constantly treating yourself, to
cupcakes for examples.
I believe that we are all on our paths. I dare not interrupt someone else's. But at first I did resist a little. I was like "please don't leave me lover". And he said, "I have to, I gotta get up on outta here, surf, and get a cat." So I eventually said "okay, goodbye." Besides, I can't compete with a cat. Oh....and wait. What fun is love if the other person doesn't desire you or desire to work shit out with you when things get tough? We are humans and I know this...humans are emotional complicated beings, shit is guaranteed to hit the fan. So you gotta come correct and be ready to work it out honey. WURK.
I am beginning to really love who I am. After the break-up I felt so little and rejected. What a blessing to have the opportunity to fall in love with who I am all over again. What doesn't bend breaks. And I ain't no fool. I am a warrior. Wait...I am a Princess Warrior with an outfit like
Zena. Yeah, that's it. And the more I let go of this experience, the more room I create for new energy, new love, new art, new life, new everything. But I must let go of this in order to move on.
Am I still angry? Yes. Am I still sad? Yes. Do I still sometimes feel rejected? Yes Baby Jesus YES! But I am human so I am allowed to feel these things. These uncomfortable feelings want to be acknowledged and comforted, not ignored. Will I love again? YEESSSSS!
I love love. It feels so divinely good. The number one rule to finding love is loving yourself as you are and loving the life you create when you are single. If you cannot date yourself and love yourself the way you want someone to love you, how can you expect someone else to do it? If you cannot bare to be alone, all by yourself, in silence, how can you expect someone to want to be around you? Damn Gina! (as Martin Lawrence would say). No one can save you from yourself and you really don't need them to. You can save yourself and it's absolutely FREE! See, I just saved you a lot of money.
Okay my seductive delicate butterflies...do something sweet for yourself today and appreciate your divinity. I'm back, and like Puffy Daddy and Mase say "
Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin". Please take a moment to listen bad boys, P-Diddy and his boy Mase tell it like it is.
"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." Maya Angelou
xo
Rashaan Cruzé
www.rashaancruze.com
"You wander from room to room, searching for the diamond necklace that is already atround your neck". - Rumi
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